Relief

I had no idea that the talk with my dear friend would lead to such relief. Panic has not come back to me in a big way since the afternoon before I talked to him. It is so nice to feel a little bit more like myself  again, to be assured that although this will come back in waves, it’s not a permanent state of  being.

My husband is out of town this weekend, so I plan to enjoy having our new place to myself, wake up early, spend time outside, do a little work (the fun stuff!) but definitely not too much, catch up with a couple friends, and of course spend time with the pup.

In talking with my friend, we’ll call him Sam, and my husband, I came to realize that as easy as it is to blame this episode on work, or problems with my marriage, or the trauma that led us to moving so suddenly, the source of my anxiety is simply: not feeding my soul for too damn long. It’s me just getting by, surviving life one day at a time. Of course these other factors intensified things, but with the way I’ve been living, it was just a matter of time.

This is something I’ve known for years actually, but I just maxed out, and my body did/is doing what it had to to get my attention.

Because I love myself, I’m really sorry it had to get this bad in order for me to wake up and recognize I really need to change.

I’m thankful this relief has made some space for change. It’s yogatime. 🙂

 

 

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Happy to Sleep

I’m not going to pretend like today was perfect, because it definitely wasn’t. My panic followed me to sleep, stayed with me throughout the night, and greeted me with the alarm clock in the AM. It didn’t fade until mid-morning, when it left me relieved but exhausted.

This evening, my dearest friend called me, and we had a wonderful talk. We’ve both done a lot of changing over the last year or so, and understand the importance, however annoying it may be, of all of this processing.

So for now, I’m happy to sleep – happy to snuggle my pup – and let go.

I Feel Sick

In an effort to write about my anxiety today, while in a panic, I wrote this. This is not going to be an uplifting post, but hey, that’s life. It will get better.

Back pain is back, strong. Weakness, dizzy, nauseous. Why is this happening so much?
I’m very tired.
Tired of not knowing what is real. Especially in my own body.
It’s exhausting.
Just saying that, I feel a little better.
This shit sucks.
Tingles in my arms, neck, fingers, back.
Everyday it’s something new.
But I can’t just turn it off. I have to accept it as it is, and know that it’s
Part of me.
There is something, actually a lot, that I need to process.
I’m discovering how to live my life as an adult, without my parents,
at a time when I’m more independent than my partner.
And unfortunately, work goes own even when life is hard.
Tingles in leg. Still feel nauseous and dizzy.
Back pain strong.
But somehow I feel more at peace.
This is part of me.
Part of my process.
Anxiety is a nicer word than panic, but that’s what this is.
My mind is in a panic,
And my body is catching up.
My emotions left behind, mixed up,
To be interpreted.
I feel sick.

Changes

The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve ever had. I felt very rejuvenated during the last post, but by the end of that week, I was really struggling. Basically as soon as my husband and I started actively looking for a new place, anxiety set in in a very powerful way.  Normally when I’m anxious, my  work distracts me – Not this time. Panicky thoughts and physical discomfort found it’s way into my classroom, even though I had a concert and a competition to prepare for.

One sick day taken, a trip to Urgent Care and the ER, a concert, a competition, and a 36 hour whirlwind move later, here I am.  It seems like the anxiety likes to set in during the late afternoon and hang around until I’m ready to sleep.

Anxiety is such a strange phenomenon. How can something that feels so real, be a creation of my own mind? How can my emotional upheaval take over my body? And why oh why do the symptoms have to be the same as a heart attack, so every time I call a nurse hotline, they have to recommend I go to the emergency room?

The last few weeks have been the hardest for my marriage as well. This was the first difficult period when we, I guess because we were in such shock, didn’t cling to each other for comfort, but rather pulled away from each other. Not in a huge way, but the distance is noticeable.  Now that we have all of our things with us in our own home – no more bouncing between friends’ houses, living out of suitcases – I think we’ll find our way back. There is definitely already more communication and laughter.

Change is one of those things that gets  set into motion when you least expect it, and won’t budge into being when you most need it. I think it comes down to who is in control. When change is in control, it’s frustrating, maddening. But when we have the ability to make good changes happen, we’re hesitant to do so.

I think the build up of anxiety has a lot to do with me wanting control of this situation. Maybe in some twisted way, my sub-consciousness is saying, “Oh yeah? If I don’t have a say in this, I’ll just make you believe you’re physically ill, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The good news is, there is something I can do about it. I can acknowledge and let go of the feelings, redirect my thoughts, talk to friends, family, my therapist, go on long walks, DO YOGA, cook yummy food, go back to work, organize my house, love my husband, play with my dog…

Favorite recipe from this week: baked chicken legs.

Breathing until next time. 🙂