I had a breakthrough conversation with my husband today. It was very difficult to hear, and there were a lot of tears.
As I was (figuratively) pointing at him, telling him his depression and the way he’s changed are the major causes my current depression, he asked, “Have you ever thought of how you’ve changed since we got married?”
In our discussion, I was forced to see a lot of things I’ve been avoiding about myself; I’m not as ambitious as I used to be, I don’t talk about a wide range of topics anymore, I don’t have interests, I don’t have very many friends, I don’t have the energy to go out. These realizations are added to the shortcomings (?) I’m already aware of: not sleeping enough, not eating right, lack of confidence at work and around strangers, not exercising enough – all things that I would do far more often if I loved myself as much as I used to.
I guess today it all came crashing down on me that this whole depression thing isn’t new, I’m just finally acknowledging it. I want to go home, but it’s not the right home for me anymore. I want to have that same experience. I want to believe this.
Hungary didn’t pull the real me out of myself on it’s own. I made a conscious decision before I left to be myself in a place where I could start completely over, where no one from my past would be comparing my actions to past experiences. To trust that I was pretty awesome on my own, and didn’t need to act a certain way or seek others’ approval to be great. To be happy.
So, in all honesty, I think I’ve felt this bad ever since I moved back. Sure I’ve had really happy moments – especially the whole getting married to the love of my life part. 🙂 But I’ve been surviving. I’ve been making the best of things. Anxiety controlled my life for a whole Summer and the following Spring, and I’m still letting myself stay in this rut. These are all things you’ve heard from me before. It’s just shocking how long it’s been going on.
Denial is a powerful thing. But I think I just reached my limit.