The Ability to Change

I felt really negative about things yesterday. Finding out how much weight I’ve gained really brought me down. But I want to reiterate what I discovered towards the end of my post: It really is possible! If there’s one thing I’ve learned this decade, it’s that I am capable of change. I owe myself that tiny bit of trust it takes to know that I can overcome this obstacle too. And let’s face it, it’s WAY bigger than just looking good. I want to feel good, and know that I’m treating my body right.

I leave on Thursday for a fantastic trip with the boyfriend. We’re headed to Hungary, my home away from home where I spent 9+ months just after college. This is truly the place where I stood on my own two feet for the first time, expressed myself for the first time, grew to love and trust myself for the first time. I’ve been back one other time with my now ex-husband. It was different, but still amazing. I think this time will be the best yet. 🙂 (For more of my Hungarian experiences, read this, or this, or check out my very first baby blog!) We will also be venturing to Slovakia, the Czech Republic, Austria, Slovenia and Croatia – in that order. I can’t wait to share more! Things have been really busy preparing, as we decided to Airbnb our own place while we’re gone, and it wasn’t the slightest bit “guest ready.” Things have been moving along nicely though.

To switch to a completely unrelated topic: Family. We spend our childhood just going with the flow, because what else is there to do? And then we reach adulthood, and we’re blind-sided not only by our responsibilities and the awkwardness of it all, but also by all this shit we have to undo, this garbage we never knew was a big deal, but it actually is. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

A lot of my process has been setting boundaries with my mom… and then my dad (unexpectedly) and now, even more unexpectedly, my brother. My mom suffers from mental health issues. My dad is in many ways her enabler (or maybe disabler?) of the dependent, helpless life she lives. My brother moved back to Austin a few years ago, and had honestly stayed as unaware of the situation as he possibly could for a very long time – despite many efforts on my part to tell him, to ask for support. Now, he’s very aware of it and feels totally stuck. It seems like he’s finally where I was here, here, and here, but instead of it manifesting as panic attacks, he’s coping with it in different, equally difficult ways.

The moral of the story is I need to rethink those boundaries, and hopefully communicate them before this trip, if I have the guts to. I want everyone to work towards happiness so we can enjoy life, and therefore each other, even more. But for now, it seems like they’re stuck in their own painful, ineffective patterns, and I’ve tried so many times to communicate things that could help. They’ve never listened before, or never listened enough to make change. I have to get the courage to try one more time.

The Yo-Yo Dieter

That’s me.

I did my first Whole30 back in 2014, with great success. I felt amazing, I dropped 14 pounds in one month, and I genuinely didn’t want to go back to my old eating habits. I kept it up, with a few less restrictions, for several months after the thirty days. Gradually, I slid back into my old ways.

A year later, I did another, and a year later… well you get the idea. It turns out that after each “re-set,” I regained by bad habits – and therefore the weight! – faster, not slower. This most recent time was by far the fastest yet. This past February, I did a Whole30 and I dropped from 149 to 138. I was super excited! I felt like I just needed to stick with the majority of the restrictions, with maybe one cheat day a week, and I’d continue to lose weight but at a slower rate.

That’s not what happened. It’s a mere 4 months later, and I’ve actually exceeded my start weight. I’m at 155 pounds. That’s the highest number I’ve ever seen on the scale. Sad day. It’s almost like I was trying to gain weight.

I did a tiny bit of research today, and it seems that yes, I am a yo-yo dieter. I’ve lost about the same amount of weight repeatedly for the last five years. I always lose it really quickly with a Whole30. I basically have an on/off switch: I’m either super restrictive, or I eat whatever I want. There are many reasons why this is bad for us, the most obvious of which is probably that it makes me feel bad, like it’s not even worth trying. That’s how I’ve felt most of today.

But it is! I’ve accomplished so many goals throughout my twenties: I’ve become financially stable using the methods of Dave Ramsey and Mrs. Frugalwoods. I have a great group of friends after searching for community for what feels like a decade. I’ve established healthy boundaries with my family, although that is a constant struggle. The work/life balance is also much more manageable.

So, I can do this. I turn 30 at the end of August. In the spirit of turning 30, my goal is to lose 30 pounds by 2019… and stay that way. That might seem pretty fast, but that will honestly be the slowest of my weight loss endeavors.

I’ve updated my points page and I’m happy to say you’ll be hearing a lot more from me. 🙂

This was a four point day.