The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve ever had. I felt very rejuvenated during the last post, but by the end of that week, I was really struggling. Basically as soon as my husband and I started actively looking for a new place, anxiety set in in a very powerful way. Normally when I’m anxious, my work distracts me – Not this time. Panicky thoughts and physical discomfort found it’s way into my classroom, even though I had a concert and a competition to prepare for.
One sick day taken, a trip to Urgent Care and the ER, a concert, a competition, and a 36 hour whirlwind move later, here I am. It seems like the anxiety likes to set in during the late afternoon and hang around until I’m ready to sleep.
Anxiety is such a strange phenomenon. How can something that feels so real, be a creation of my own mind? How can my emotional upheaval take over my body? And why oh why do the symptoms have to be the same as a heart attack, so every time I call a nurse hotline, they have to recommend I go to the emergency room?
The last few weeks have been the hardest for my marriage as well. This was the first difficult period when we, I guess because we were in such shock, didn’t cling to each other for comfort, but rather pulled away from each other. Not in a huge way, but the distance is noticeable. Now that we have all of our things with us in our own home – no more bouncing between friends’ houses, living out of suitcases – I think we’ll find our way back. There is definitely already more communication and laughter.
Change is one of those things that gets set into motion when you least expect it, and won’t budge into being when you most need it. I think it comes down to who is in control. When change is in control, it’s frustrating, maddening. But when we have the ability to make good changes happen, we’re hesitant to do so.
I think the build up of anxiety has a lot to do with me wanting control of this situation. Maybe in some twisted way, my sub-consciousness is saying, “Oh yeah? If I don’t have a say in this, I’ll just make you believe you’re physically ill, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
The good news is, there is something I can do about it. I can acknowledge and let go of the feelings, redirect my thoughts, talk to friends, family, my therapist, go on long walks, DO YOGA, cook yummy food, go back to work, organize my house, love my husband, play with my dog…
Favorite recipe from this week: baked chicken legs.
Breathing until next time. 🙂