Let’s Be Honest…

I’m going to hold off on those Liebster Award questions for a while. I don’t know, somehow I’m overwhelmed by them. But I’m still excited about it, and so glad that I’ve reached almost 100 followers. That’s insane! Thank you all for reading!

So here’s what’s going on: Overwhelmed. For some reason, I’ve decided to take three groups to this huge competition. I’ve only taken one in the past, but now I have two extra non-varsity groups that are in pretty good shape. But I’ve never had the experience before where I don’t trust the group, and I don’t trust these groups. Not even my top group. They’re performing well below level right now. Blah blah blah.

What’s really going on, is that I’m way too focused on theĀ outcome of this competition. My mind and energy are separated from reality, stuck in my expectations of how I want the competition to go. So it’s hard for me to go through the day-to-day steps necessary to get my students where they need to be, because I’m thinking more about where they need to be then where they are. We have to make the music along the way. It’s hard for me to let go of expectations, but I’ve learned from past experiences that it will ruin things, especially my ability to get things done, if I don’t.

The other part of this feeling overwhelmed stuff, is that no less than two months after thinking very seriously about leaving my job, I’ve taken on three UIL groups, and requested that one of my after school groups go on the choice sheets as an actual class, AND I asked for permission to teach a yoga class for next year. WTF?!

Now before you start to ponder my sanity, let me explain. Due to a number of errors in communication, I was given only a handful of days to “edit the choice sheet for next year” and these days happened to fall during one of the busiest weeks of the whole year. In order to make sure that my hypothetical future year at my middle school be a good one, I needed to make sure the choice sheet set me up for a good year. Did it feel weird? Yes. Was it difficult? Yes. Do I feel like if I leave now I’ll be screwing everyone over? (I mean who will teach yoga? Yikes) Yes. But I think I did what I had to do.

So now what? Remind myself to have expectations, but leave it at the finish line, not at the front of my mind. And remind myself that my success or lack of success at work or in life does not determine my happiness. I also want to do my 10 minutes of daily dedicated stressing, which is a wonderful technique for letting anxiety into my life on my terms. It’s not going away people, so I might as well show it who’s boss.

In other news, I fell off my version of the paleo diet. My digestive system is so not happy with me! At least I’m highly motivated to get back on the wagon.

One breath at a time. One step at a time. I’m just a human and it’s not my job to be perfect.


Welcome Back, Adulthood…

I’m sorry, but I did not miss you (adulthood) while I was gone.

Reality hit me like a slap in the face no less that 12 hours after I landed. Bartley is sick – really sick. He couldn’t even wag his tail when he saw me for the first time. It’s been a week since we went to the vet the first time and we’ve ruled out a lot of things including pneumonia, cancer, problems with organ function, and viruses, but his fever just keeps getting worse. Tomorrow we go in for more testing.

Last night, I let panic get the best of me – surprise surprise. I had all kinds of horrible thoughts about him dying. It’s really hard to stay calm when his fever goes up. Unfortunately, it usually happens at night, which just makes everything more stressful. Bartley is a really nervous dog. He does not handle new people, let alone a new hospital, easily. He almost always has to be muzzled and ends up peeing/pooping on himself. It’s awful enough when this happens at a regular check-up, but right now, when he’s already such a sick dog? I’m so worried about him. I keep checking his temperature every couple of hours, and holding my breath.

I had big plans to work on my points this week, and soak up the summer sun. Ha! That is so not my priority right now. I’ve gotta get this guy better, and remember that I am an adult who is capable of making the right decisions… right? Right. Of course I will utilize my resources: veterinarians, husband, friends, parents, etc.

Please send us positive thoughts.


Not Invited

As soon as I had the thought, “Wow, I’m feeling really good,” anxiety waltzed back in, uninvited.

All anxiety is linked with some kind of physical sensation(s). I think most people experience it in one way everytime, such as increased heart rate, shortness of breath, etc. Mine changes all the time. Actually, the physical sensations I have may in fact be completely unrelated, but due to hypocondriatic (is this a word?) tendencies and stress, my anxiety adds much more meaning to them. It’s so annoying, and right now I’m on a trip to my favorite place, so it is definitely unwelcome.

But it’s always unwelcome. Anxiety and panic are never invited. Unfortunately, the more I try to push it away, the more stubborn it is about staying. I think it’s time to start doing my scheduled panic time again. 10 minutes a day where I let go, and actually allow all of my panic to happen – one stressful thought after another – and allow the physical changes to happen. In this case, I actually do invite it in on my own terms, as much as I hate it.

In my experience it has worked really well. Seeing as how my throat feels tight, my limbs are a bit tingly, and I feel somewhat weak, I suppose I should open up, and invite it in.

And then let it float on by.