3-day Weekend Fun!

School hasn’t even been back on for very long, but this three-day weekend was still welcome!

Things have been going really well. Andras and I have stuck to the Whole30. Tomorrow will be day 18! We’ve even started discussing what next month will be like. As of tonight we’re thinking we’ll keep excluding grains, soy and legumes, because we really don’t miss them, but add back in dairy (only as a seasoning), wine for me, beer for him, and a weekly cheat day. I’m finally seeing changes in my body, and it feels really good! I can’t wait to share how much I’ve lost. I’ve also noticed my skin seems much healthier, and I think I have more energy. Win!

I started two new things last week as well. #1. No coffee. GASP :0 But, I’m just too prone to anxiety, there’s really no need for it. And as long as I get 7 hours of sleep – enter item #2 – I think I’ll be fine. The first two days of trying life without coffee were welcomed with the worst headaches. By day 3, I didn’t have a headache, but I just feel sooo tired, and by day 4 I started coming out of the fog.

Work is work –  I’ve had some great days back, and some awful days back, but my routines are making everything more manageable, logistically and emotionally. My goal for the next few weeks is to be very conscious of how much I have on my plate, and to not take on too much.

Andras and I went on two movie dates this weekend. We saw Carol on Friday, and Anamolisa today. Carol was slow but beautiful, and I definitely cried. Anamolisa was really unusual, but 100% engaging, thoughtful, and many times comedic.

Obviously, I think I’ve missed too many days to get you caught up on all of my Whole30 meals, but I’ll list some of my favorites here:

http://www.generationyfoodie.com/2013/06/paleo-almond-chicken-fingers.html

Easy Roasted Vegetables + Amazing Giveaway

http://www.thetwobiteclub.com/2014/05/kielbasa-pepper-onion-and-potato-hash.html?m=1

Oven Baked Crispy Chicken Thighs with Garlic, Lemon and Scallion

Days 22-23 and #Whole30 Buffalo Ranch Chicken Meatballs

And here are a couple of pictures:

almond crusted chicken tenders

Almond crusted chicken tenders with roasted carrots and boiled dutch potatoes.

buffalo ranch meatballs

Buffalo ranch meatballs over spinach and arugula mix with roasted potatoes, carrots and eggplant. Mmmm SO delicious.

I’m really grateful to have so much space in my life right now to take care of myself, and work on these routines that make room for so much more joy in my life. 2016 is getting off to a pretty fantastic start for me, but I’ll still love myself when things don’t go my way, or when I do things I’m not proud off. Be back soon!

The Rest of the Week

went by in a blur. I woke up late. I didn’t plan my lessons. I hardly challenged the kids. I would actually day dream about going to sleep. I ate terribly. I skipped grocery shopping and laundry. I spent lots of money going out to eat. Basically, I did the bare minimum in every spect of my life, which made me feel worse and worse about myself.

Now it think I’m experiencing anxiety as well. I have this need to inhale really deeply, but when I do, there’s a sharp pain in my chest. I really want to sleep….

Hopefully I will find enough love for myself to start putting more energy into life again soon. Right now, anything more than the minimum feels like too much. I know that my life is really good and I have SO much to be thankful for. For some reason, right now that knowledge isn’t enough to make me feel better.

I will keep trying.

Can’t Wake Up

My dog actually forced me out of bed this morning. I guess I didn’t give him a long enough walk last night. I’m very grateful he cried and woke me up though, because I had already slept through my alarms(s) because I couldn’t bear to set my alarm that’s across the room last night. *sigh*

As I was walking Bartley, I had this thought: I’m not even all that tired, I just don’t want to face the day.

I guess this is one aspect of depression. I think I’ve had many days like this, I’ve just blamed it on (real or exaggerated) exhaustion.

For now, I’m setting a timer for five minutes, and then waking up to get ready. Hopefully writing about this got some of that attitude out of my system.

How Long Have I Felt This Bad?

I had a breakthrough conversation with my husband today. It was very difficult to hear, and there were a lot of tears.

As I was (figuratively) pointing at him, telling him his depression and the way he’s changed are the major causes my current depression, he asked, “Have you ever thought of how you’ve changed since we got married?”

In our discussion, I was forced to see a lot of things I’ve been avoiding about myself; I’m not as ambitious as I used to be, I don’t talk about a wide range of topics anymore, I don’t have interests, I don’t have very many friends, I don’t have the energy to go out. These realizations are added to the shortcomings (?) I’m already aware of: not sleeping enough, not eating right, lack of confidence at work and around strangers, not exercising enough – all things that I would do far more often if I loved myself as much as I used to.

I guess today it all came crashing down on me that this whole depression thing isn’t new, I’m just finally acknowledging it. I want to go home, but it’s not the right home for me anymore. I want to have that same experience. I want to believe this.

Hungary didn’t pull the real me out of myself on it’s own. I made a conscious decision before I left to be myself in a place where I could start completely over, where no one from my past would be comparing my actions to past experiences. To trust that I was pretty awesome on my own, and didn’t need to act a certain way or seek others’ approval to be great. To be happy.

So, in all honesty, I think I’ve felt this bad ever since I moved back. Sure I’ve had really happy moments – especially the whole getting married to the love of my life part. 🙂 But I’ve been surviving. I’ve been making the best of things. Anxiety controlled my life for a whole Summer and the following Spring, and I’m still letting myself stay in this rut.  These are all things you’ve heard from me before. It’s just shocking how long it’s been going on.

Denial is a powerful thing. But I think I just reached my limit.

 

 

 

 

Back to school – Back to work

I had no idea the transition back to school would go so well! I am SO excited about this school year. My classes are full of kids who are truly excited to take choir, and my schedule is basically a dream. My conference period is the last period of everyday, which is going to help me immensely when I have concerts or events after school. 

It’s only day 3, but here are some changes I’ve made that I hope will turn into habits. My points need to be modified some…

  • Establish a morning routine: In past years, I’ve let my level of exhaustion determine how long I sleep, if I pack a lunch, etc. Because I didn’t have a routine, my basic needs like breakfast, lunch, coffee, shower, work outfit, etc, where often not met. Now I am aiming to do the same thing every morning, to establish a foundation for my day. 1. Quiet time 2. Take care of Bartley 3. Breakfast/make lunch (put previously divided sandwich bags and tupperwares in my lunchbox) 4. Show/get ready 5. Leave by 6:30. Of course, in order to do that, I have to wake up at 5:15 (OUCH!) Which leads me to…
  • Being in bed by 10:00, electronics & lights off by 10:30. This gives me almost 7 hours of sleep. 
  • Organizing has turned into a “10-minute” clean. I love this idea. I found it on pinterest, and it’s almost ridiculously easy. You just set a timer for 10 minutes, and clean as much as you can during that time. The craziest part? I’m usually finished in 7 or 8 minutes! All these years I’ve dreaded cleaning, and it was something I could accomplish in 10 minutes or less. Insane!
  • Before I leave work at the end of the day, I go through this checklist: Clear desk, check/respond/archive emails, make necessary phone calls, complete or review the next days lesson plans, add to the next day’s to-do list, and 10-minute clean of my classroom. 

I am feeling so optimistic about these changes. These, along with eating well and daily yoga/meditation are my current “points.” If I can build them into habits, I know I will become the organized professional I want to be.

Let my inner virgo shine! 

Quick Note

Just a quick note to say that today was not as productive as yesterday. I had a lot of professional development meetings, which meant I kept adding things to my to-do list, but couldn’t ever cross anything off! I did pick the three most important, and completed those tasks this evening. I also did my daily chore, and gave Bart a bath to help fight the skin infection. 

The moral of today’s story? I think I need to add another point to the list: go to sleep at a reasonable hour, specific time to be determined before or during my next post. 

Sleep well! It’s a 2-point day, and if I make through my meditation without falling asleep, I’ll get 3-points. See ya!

Happy to Sleep

I’m not going to pretend like today was perfect, because it definitely wasn’t. My panic followed me to sleep, stayed with me throughout the night, and greeted me with the alarm clock in the AM. It didn’t fade until mid-morning, when it left me relieved but exhausted.

This evening, my dearest friend called me, and we had a wonderful talk. We’ve both done a lot of changing over the last year or so, and understand the importance, however annoying it may be, of all of this processing.

So for now, I’m happy to sleep – happy to snuggle my pup – and let go.