Picking Up My Feet

I wouldn’t say I’m moving forward yet, but I am picking up my feet.

I was in the mood to be productive today. I thought I’d have the whole afternoon to get caught up on work, but unfortunately, it was a busy professional development day, and then I had meetings after school as well.

I was productive in another way, though! I successfully made it through Day One of the Whole30 program. I’m hungry… 😀 This is what I ate today:

  • Breakfast snack: pineapple, cantaloupe and grapes, black coffee
  • Breakfast: zucchini frittata (from yesterday’s post)
  • Lunch: arugula salad with easy, homemade rosemary dressing
  • Snack: banana
  • Snack: carrots and tomatoes
  • Dinner: Herb chicken, yellow squash and roasted carrots
  • Snack: banana

Someone advised me to eat whenever I’m hungry and not worry about portion size in the beginning, as my body is getting used to the new diet. As time passes, my appetite will adjust.

I guess we’ll see. Here’s to checking off more of my to-do list tomorrow, and getting a good night’s sleep tonight!

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How Long Have I Felt This Bad?

I had a breakthrough conversation with my husband today. It was very difficult to hear, and there were a lot of tears.

As I was (figuratively) pointing at him, telling him his depression and the way he’s changed are the major causes my current depression, he asked, “Have you ever thought of how you’ve changed since we got married?”

In our discussion, I was forced to see a lot of things I’ve been avoiding about myself; I’m not as ambitious as I used to be, I don’t talk about a wide range of topics anymore, I don’t have interests, I don’t have very many friends, I don’t have the energy to go out. These realizations are added to the shortcomings (?) I’m already aware of: not sleeping enough, not eating right, lack of confidence at work and around strangers, not exercising enough – all things that I would do far more often if I loved myself as much as I used to.

I guess today it all came crashing down on me that this whole depression thing isn’t new, I’m just finally acknowledging it. I want to go home, but it’s not the right home for me anymore. I want to have that same experience. I want to believe this.

Hungary didn’t pull the real me out of myself on it’s own. I made a conscious decision before I left to be myself in a place where I could start completely over, where no one from my past would be comparing my actions to past experiences. To trust that I was pretty awesome on my own, and didn’t need to act a certain way or seek others’ approval to be great. To be happy.

So, in all honesty, I think I’ve felt this bad ever since I moved back. Sure I’ve had really happy moments – especially the whole getting married to the love of my life part. 🙂 But I’ve been surviving. I’ve been making the best of things. Anxiety controlled my life for a whole Summer and the following Spring, and I’m still letting myself stay in this rut.  These are all things you’ve heard from me before. It’s just shocking how long it’s been going on.

Denial is a powerful thing. But I think I just reached my limit.

 

 

 

 

Back to school – Back to work

I had no idea the transition back to school would go so well! I am SO excited about this school year. My classes are full of kids who are truly excited to take choir, and my schedule is basically a dream. My conference period is the last period of everyday, which is going to help me immensely when I have concerts or events after school. 

It’s only day 3, but here are some changes I’ve made that I hope will turn into habits. My points need to be modified some…

  • Establish a morning routine: In past years, I’ve let my level of exhaustion determine how long I sleep, if I pack a lunch, etc. Because I didn’t have a routine, my basic needs like breakfast, lunch, coffee, shower, work outfit, etc, where often not met. Now I am aiming to do the same thing every morning, to establish a foundation for my day. 1. Quiet time 2. Take care of Bartley 3. Breakfast/make lunch (put previously divided sandwich bags and tupperwares in my lunchbox) 4. Show/get ready 5. Leave by 6:30. Of course, in order to do that, I have to wake up at 5:15 (OUCH!) Which leads me to…
  • Being in bed by 10:00, electronics & lights off by 10:30. This gives me almost 7 hours of sleep. 
  • Organizing has turned into a “10-minute” clean. I love this idea. I found it on pinterest, and it’s almost ridiculously easy. You just set a timer for 10 minutes, and clean as much as you can during that time. The craziest part? I’m usually finished in 7 or 8 minutes! All these years I’ve dreaded cleaning, and it was something I could accomplish in 10 minutes or less. Insane!
  • Before I leave work at the end of the day, I go through this checklist: Clear desk, check/respond/archive emails, make necessary phone calls, complete or review the next days lesson plans, add to the next day’s to-do list, and 10-minute clean of my classroom. 

I am feeling so optimistic about these changes. These, along with eating well and daily yoga/meditation are my current “points.” If I can build them into habits, I know I will become the organized professional I want to be.

Let my inner virgo shine! 

I Want it all at Once

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble taking on big tasks because all I can think about is the big picture and everything that has to get done, and it’s just so overwhelming. Well, the same goes for my personal growth.

I’ve been pretty down the last couple of days, despite my very true recurring thought you read about last post. I’m so disappointed that it’s taking me so long to get on a better, more organized, disciplined track. I just want to be my dream me, now. I don’t want to wait. 

And then the long lost yoga girl within me, whose voice is way too small these days, says: but remember, you’re already perfect.

What a (healthy?) paradox it is to be conscious that I’m perfect the way I am, yet constantly yearning for the challenge of becoming someone better.

So, I will focus on my points. I will make lists. I will breathe. I will jump into this school year knowing that everything will be okay. I will do my best, and remember not to take it all so seriously… Right? 😉

Yoga Days and Change

I just want to take a moment to reflect on the changes, large and small, that 2014 has brought me – so far

  • Distance from my family (intentional on my part)
  • A new apartment without roommates
  • Anxiety more powerful than I could ever imagine
  • Marital struggles (Nothing too serious, but the honeymoon is over 😉 )
  • Good-byes to students of 3 years as they go on to high school
  • A new car!
  • An older dog
  • And the motivation to love myself enough to work towards my own positive change. Life doesn’t have to be so difficult. I think it’s like yoga: the more you put into a class, the more intentional you are about it, the more you get in return. I want to see each day as a new yoga class, ready to give something back to me, even when it feels like it’s just shitting on me…

Today’s a 5-point day. 🙂

Welcome Back, Adulthood…

I’m sorry, but I did not miss you (adulthood) while I was gone.

Reality hit me like a slap in the face no less that 12 hours after I landed. Bartley is sick – really sick. He couldn’t even wag his tail when he saw me for the first time. It’s been a week since we went to the vet the first time and we’ve ruled out a lot of things including pneumonia, cancer, problems with organ function, and viruses, but his fever just keeps getting worse. Tomorrow we go in for more testing.

Last night, I let panic get the best of me – surprise surprise. I had all kinds of horrible thoughts about him dying. It’s really hard to stay calm when his fever goes up. Unfortunately, it usually happens at night, which just makes everything more stressful. Bartley is a really nervous dog. He does not handle new people, let alone a new hospital, easily. He almost always has to be muzzled and ends up peeing/pooping on himself. It’s awful enough when this happens at a regular check-up, but right now, when he’s already such a sick dog? I’m so worried about him. I keep checking his temperature every couple of hours, and holding my breath.

I had big plans to work on my points this week, and soak up the summer sun. Ha! That is so not my priority right now. I’ve gotta get this guy better, and remember that I am an adult who is capable of making the right decisions… right? Right. Of course I will utilize my resources: veterinarians, husband, friends, parents, etc.

Please send us positive thoughts.

 

Time For Good-bye?

In less than an hour, András’ parents will take us to Budapest. It will be time to tell them good-bye for another year, maybe only 6 months if we’re lucky and can come back for Christmas.  András is already noticeably sad. I wonder how bad it will be when we get home?

We went to visit one of his Nagyi’s yesterday (Grandma), and it was so sad  because she’s really sick. András truly believes that might have been his last visit to see her.

I am going to miss the lifestyle, the language, the people, his parents, his cousins, his grandma’s, and my friends, who either live here in Hungary or close by.

My feelings haven’t changed much, and can still be summed up with Home  and Time is Funny, but one thing has changed.

How can I make my home feel more like home? Logically, I believe the answer to be entirely within myself, but experience doesn’t show that to be true.

AfterI wrote the last post and was obviously feeling pretty negative about going back, I continued to walk around Kecskemét. I had a memory: Hungary didn’t pull the real me out of myself on it’s own. I made a conscious decision before I left to be myself in a place where I could start completely over, where no one from my past would be comparing my actions to past experiences. To trust that I was pretty awesome on my own, and didn’t need to act a certain way or seek others’ approval to be great. To be happy.

So, while there are things that I can’t change about home, like superficial people or the architecture (not to mention politics), I can bake fresh bread, I can co to the market on Saturdays, I can walk and bike everywhere, I can speak Hungarian,

and I can be me.