Love Means

Love means being able to be open and honest.
Vulnerable.
Love means choosing to go ahead,
And say what needs to be said,
When it’s not what they want to hear,
When it might hurt,
When it causes an shift, a tear, a (momentary?) split
In the relationship.
When it shakes up how they thought you perceived them.
Because love means
Challenging each other to be better
Challenging each other to be honest,
First and foremost,
With themselves.
And love means,
Respecting yourself enough to say what you need,
Knowing yourself well enough to know what you want,
So that your connection is stronger,
More authentic.
This love isn’t easy,
But it isn’t about sacrifice,
Or waiting,
Or wondering,
Or hoping,
Or avoiding.
Love means being able to be open and honest and vulnerable.
And believing they’re still going to be there,
When it’s not what they want to hear,
When it might hurt,
When it causes a shift, a tear, a split,
In the relationship.
Love means doing all of this,
And receiving it as well.

Love Means.

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Just Another (Divorced) Twenty Something

Well actually, I guess that isn’t technically true (yet), but Andras moved out in April. I’m sorry I’ve stayed away for so long, but I just haven’t really felt ready to talk about this. At this point, I’m not really sure what I want to say, but somehow, I feel ready. 😉

Andras and I had a beautiful, whirlwind, international romance. I have no regrets regarding our meeting, moving here together, or our marriage. I simply recognize that I wasn’t ready for it. Much of the challenges you may have read about on this blog: the constant need for creating space for joy, for establishing routines, remembering my hobbies etc., were because I was in a relationship that withdrew my energy, rather than filled me up.

And for a long time I was 1. unaware of it, 2. denied it, 3. didn’t know what to do about it. The sad truth is that the relationship went without nurturing for so long that by the time I finally confronted him about it, there was nothing left. There was nothing left to fix. By the time February rolled around, I had figured out how to have all of my happy feelings on my own. No matter how much I (logically) didn’t want to give up on my marriage, I had no true desire to work on it.

We tried counseling for a few months, but it was over. Isn’t that insane? I virtually never had doubts about us until it was just over. It’s like a switch flipped. Do any of you know what I’m talking about?

Andras is a wonderful person, and I’m not proud of how our relationship came to end. I am grateful that he seems to understand why it wasn’t working and doesn’t have any (major) hard feelings towards me.

2016 has been a wonderful year full of change and settling in. I’m settling into a life I’ve wanted. I’m settling in to doing things for me, being honest with myself and others, and enjoying all the space I want and need. 2016 has been about boundaries, vulnerability and honesty.

-That’s the best I can do for now.