The Ability to Change

I felt really negative about things yesterday. Finding out how much weight I’ve gained really brought me down. But I want to reiterate what I discovered towards the end of my post: It really is possible! If there’s one thing I’ve learned this decade, it’s that I am capable of change. I owe myself that tiny bit of trust it takes to know that I can overcome this obstacle too. And let’s face it, it’s WAY bigger than just looking good. I want to feel good, and know that I’m treating my body right.

I leave on Thursday for a fantastic trip with the boyfriend. We’re headed to Hungary, my home away from home where I spent 9+ months just after college. This is truly the place where I stood on my own two feet for the first time, expressed myself for the first time, grew to love and trust myself for the first time. I’ve been back one other time with my now ex-husband. It was different, but still amazing. I think this time will be the best yet. 🙂 (For more of my Hungarian experiences, read this, or this, or check out my very first baby blog!) We will also be venturing to Slovakia, the Czech Republic, Austria, Slovenia and Croatia – in that order. I can’t wait to share more! Things have been really busy preparing, as we decided to Airbnb our own place while we’re gone, and it wasn’t the slightest bit “guest ready.” Things have been moving along nicely though.

To switch to a completely unrelated topic: Family. We spend our childhood just going with the flow, because what else is there to do? And then we reach adulthood, and we’re blind-sided not only by our responsibilities and the awkwardness of it all, but also by all this shit we have to undo, this garbage we never knew was a big deal, but it actually is. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

A lot of my process has been setting boundaries with my mom… and then my dad (unexpectedly) and now, even more unexpectedly, my brother. My mom suffers from mental health issues. My dad is in many ways her enabler (or maybe disabler?) of the dependent, helpless life she lives. My brother moved back to Austin a few years ago, and had honestly stayed as unaware of the situation as he possibly could for a very long time – despite many efforts on my part to tell him, to ask for support. Now, he’s very aware of it and feels totally stuck. It seems like he’s finally where I was here, here, and here, but instead of it manifesting as panic attacks, he’s coping with it in different, equally difficult ways.

The moral of the story is I need to rethink those boundaries, and hopefully communicate them before this trip, if I have the guts to. I want everyone to work towards happiness so we can enjoy life, and therefore each other, even more. But for now, it seems like they’re stuck in their own painful, ineffective patterns, and I’ve tried so many times to communicate things that could help. They’ve never listened before, or never listened enough to make change. I have to get the courage to try one more time.

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Picking Up My Feet

I wouldn’t say I’m moving forward yet, but I am picking up my feet.

I was in the mood to be productive today. I thought I’d have the whole afternoon to get caught up on work, but unfortunately, it was a busy professional development day, and then I had meetings after school as well.

I was productive in another way, though! I successfully made it through Day One of the Whole30 program. I’m hungry… 😀 This is what I ate today:

  • Breakfast snack: pineapple, cantaloupe and grapes, black coffee
  • Breakfast: zucchini frittata (from yesterday’s post)
  • Lunch: arugula salad with easy, homemade rosemary dressing
  • Snack: banana
  • Snack: carrots and tomatoes
  • Dinner: Herb chicken, yellow squash and roasted carrots
  • Snack: banana

Someone advised me to eat whenever I’m hungry and not worry about portion size in the beginning, as my body is getting used to the new diet. As time passes, my appetite will adjust.

I guess we’ll see. Here’s to checking off more of my to-do list tomorrow, and getting a good night’s sleep tonight!

A Good Day

I’m happy to report that today was a good day. I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I definitely have a lot of work to do in order to get back on track and start feeling better, but at least I’m energized from talking to her.  She gave me some homework:

  1. Go to one yoga class this week.
  2. Walk 25 minutes 3x this week

One of the things she said in our last session, was that the motivation comes after.  This really clicked with me, because it definitely happens a lot that I just can’t get started, but then once I do one thing, I feel so successful that it motivates me to do more.

So why was today a good day? I actually made a to-do list, and accomplished several of the tasks. A friend asked me out to happy hour. That just made my day. I think I’ve actually become quite lonely.

Also, some of my students made me a build-a-bear and presented it to me in class! I’ve been given a lot of sweet presents since I started teaching, but this one really got me today. I just couldn’t believe they took their own time and money to do something so nice for me, and all because they know I’m having a rough time getting ready to move – again.

Let’s see, there’s more! When I got home from work, I took Bartley on a long walk, so I got one 25 minute walk in. Then, I made my lunch for the rest of the week, before going out for drinks with my friend. Have you heard of Whole30? Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure because I’m taking on such a difficult task right now when I’m struggling to do the minimum, or maybe it’s just the structure I need in order to get some sort of foundation back in my life, but either way, I’m planning to start tomorrow.

After drinks, I came back and made my breakfast for the week. Here’s the website about the Whole30. It’s seems like a great program, and the best thing is, you can get all of the info you need without spending any money. 🙂 It’s basically a 30-day Paleo challenge. I’ve been eating terribly for the majority of the last few years now. It’s a vicious cycle of indulgence followed by guilt and negative self-talk. According to a lot of testimonials, eating Paleo for thirty days can help break those habits, and actually halt the cravings for foods that aren’t good for us. So, I studied up on it, went grocery shopping and took my starting weight: 151. I start tomorrow!

Here’s my breakfast for the rest of the week. It’s my variation on this recipe. The sausage I got isn’t actually paleo (added sugar), so I couldn’t use it, and I got yellow squash instead of zucchini. 

It’s nice to know that I did a few things to be proud of today. I definitely had trouble connecting with my friend, mostly because I didn’t want to talk about how I’ve been feeling down lately. I just wanted to enjoy the time with her. However, I might have felt more comfortable if I’d just got it out in the open.

It’s way past bed time.  Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I really do appreciate it. 🙂