Just Another (Divorced) Twenty Something

Well actually, I guess that isn’t technically true (yet), but Andras moved out in April. I’m sorry I’ve stayed away for so long, but I just haven’t really felt ready to talk about this. At this point, I’m not really sure what I want to say, but somehow, I feel ready. 😉

Andras and I had a beautiful, whirlwind, international romance. I have no regrets regarding our meeting, moving here together, or our marriage. I simply recognize that I wasn’t ready for it. Much of the challenges you may have read about on this blog: the constant need for creating space for joy, for establishing routines, remembering my hobbies etc., were because I was in a relationship that withdrew my energy, rather than filled me up.

And for a long time I was 1. unaware of it, 2. denied it, 3. didn’t know what to do about it. The sad truth is that the relationship went without nurturing for so long that by the time I finally confronted him about it, there was nothing left. There was nothing left to fix. By the time February rolled around, I had figured out how to have all of my happy feelings on my own. No matter how much I (logically) didn’t want to give up on my marriage, I had no true desire to work on it.

We tried counseling for a few months, but it was over. Isn’t that insane? I virtually never had doubts about us until it was just over. It’s like a switch flipped. Do any of you know what I’m talking about?

Andras is a wonderful person, and I’m not proud of how our relationship came to end. I am grateful that he seems to understand why it wasn’t working and doesn’t have any (major) hard feelings towards me.

2016 has been a wonderful year full of change and settling in. I’m settling into a life I’ve wanted. I’m settling in to doing things for me, being honest with myself and others, and enjoying all the space I want and need. 2016 has been about boundaries, vulnerability and honesty.

-That’s the best I can do for now.

A Year Later

This is super negative, but too funny not to post! Gah – I love it. I know a lot of us feel this way, and it’s easy to get sucked into that kind of thinking this time of year. I almost gave up on New Year’s Resolutions a few years back. In fact, last year I felt I had to give them a new name  in order to have a shred of hope about them.

I still really like the New Year’s Routines I came up with, but would emphasize a few, let go over some, and modify others slightly. Let’s see:

AM Routine
1. Quiet time/yoga
2. Take care of my dog, Bartley (feed, meds, walk)
3. Make breakfast, pack lunch (I have a mini fridge in my classroom now! So now, the new routine would be to do food prep on Sunday so I have everything I need for lunch for the whole week ready to go with me on Monday.)
4. Shower, get ready.
5. Leave by 6:30

AM Work Routine
1. Check email
2. Prep classroom and materials

PM Work Routine
1. Clear desk
2. Check email
3. Make phone calls
4. Go through to to-do list in this brilliant way. 
5. 10-minute clean (Inspired by this amazing post) 

PM Routine
1. Get things ready for the next day
2. 10-minute clean
3. Quiet time by 10:00 9:00 PM. Journal or blog.
4. Lights out by 10:00 PM.

I’ve talked a lot in previous posts about how for me, routines are kind of my lifeline. If I don’t have the information of my life organized, it’s just floats around in a very chaotic manner. I keep thinking, “Oh -don’t forget this, don’t forget that.” Sticking to my routines creates space for joy, and that’s what I’m all about.

2015 Celebrations 

1. Yoga is back to being a major part of my life! It is my foundation. I make it to class 2-3 times a week, and my thinking has shifted to being more self-loving centered. Yay!
2. I’ve successful mastered the habit of making lists in the way described above, which has helped me be WAY more productive at work. I also frequently use timers & the amazing “do not disturb” feature on my phone to maintain focus.
3. More reasonable expectations of myself at work. (More) successfully living in the moment, enjoying the fun of teaching and interacting with my students, rather than obsessing about performances and competitions.
4. Much better handle on anxiety! It is still a big part of my life, but I don’t run away with it when it comes along. I am able to stay mroe present and not give into the panic.
5. Better spending habits! The Total Money Makeover has really helped me and Andras.
6. I’m sure I have more to proud of, but these are the big ones.

I will let this picture sum up what I want for 2016. Also, I didn’t forget about my plan to start a new Whole30 on December 28. I just realized I had too much non-whole30 compliant food in my fridge and pantry that I didn’t want to go to waste. PLUS, I’m all out of money, and will need to go on a very thoughtful grocery trip before I can start. So, at the risk of being totally cliché, January 1 will be be my starting day. 😉

Happy New Year!

Ready to Detox

Wow, as you can tell from my last few posts, I have thoroughly enjoyed indulging in deliciously rich, sweet and savory foods these last few days! Mmm those mini apple pies were SO tasty! And, here’s the recipe I used for mashed potatoes today – so good!

Tomorrow is going to be a day of detox, for sure. My brother gave me a fancy blender for Christmas, so I’m going to try that out first thing in the AM. This will be my breakfast, except I’ll use almond butter in place of the protein powder.

Lunch will be an Aidell’s chicken apple sausage link, with a smaller serving of leftover potatoes, and mandarin oranges. Finally, we’ll have these pork chops for dinner with a side or sautéed green beans or broccoli. My snacks will be cottage cheese, and Skinny Pop.

And if I do a good job of sticking to all of that, I’ll have a mini apple pie at the end of the day! 🙂

Sunday is the Family Reunion, and I plan to indulge again.

Monday = Day 1 of my second Whole30. Let the detox begin.

There is more to me than food! That just appears to be the theme of my winter break so far.

#teachersonbreak

 

So Much Sugar!

Well, I had a healthy-ish day… but there was so much sugar throughout! Today is my dad’s birthday, so I made him some cupcakes. I used this recipe

Vegan Cupcakes (not my picture)

but went for whole milk instead of almond, and reduced it down to 12 servings. I tried this vegan recipe on a whim once, and now it is my go-to cupcake recipe! I love them.

For the frosting, I used another recipe I’ve tried before. I remembered my dad raving about them, so I decided to bring it back.  Delicious, light and fluffy, strawberry frosting – perfect!

It was a busy day for cooking, so after the birthday cupcakes and frosting, I prepped the Green Bean Casserole for tomorrow. This is absolutely my favorite holiday recipe! I go ahead and put french fried onions on top too though. 😉 It’s all ready to go, so tomorrow I’ll just have to pop it in the oven!

And finally I prepped these little cuties. I assembled them – it was tricky! – and placed them in the freezer. Tomorrow when we sit down to dinner, I can pop them in the oven too. Here’s my attempt…

Apple Pie Cookies

I prefer the name mini apple pies. There’s nothing “cookie” about them!

If you celebrate, Merry Christmas! If not, I hope you have the day off and spend it exactly how you want too. Cheers!

Could it Be Christmas?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Ellie Parks (@sir_bartley)

Down here in Texas, we’ve had a bit of warm front. It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and is 75 degrees! We aren’t complaining though – the warmth gives us energy. If it was cold, I’d probably just want to lay around in bed all day.

My mom isn’t much of a cook, so my dad used to cook everything around the holidays, and my mom would stumble and grumble through whatever she could bear. I’m not a great cook, but I do enjoy it. Dad’s taking care of the ham, but it looks like I’m in charge of everything else! I’ll post the recipes here after I make each dish.

First of all, to prep for the family reunion we’ll have in a few days, I tried out this recipe of mulled wine. I wasn’t too crazy about mulled wine when I lived in Hungary 2010-2011, but since returning, I crave it around the holidays. This recipe hit the spot! Next time, I’ll add an extra cinnamon stick.

Tonight, I made the first batch of many batches of these traditional sugar cookies. I need to frost them tomorrow. Right now, I feel like I’m already in a sugar coma, and I’m not too excited about all the cooking that the next couple of days is going to bring. I’ll just have to eat healthy when I have the chance, and restrain myself from snacking while I cook and bake! 🙂

Wish me luck!

10 Months Tomorrow

Yep. If I don’t hurry up and write this post by midnight, 10 months will have passed since I last posted. 10 months! Let’s see how quickly I can get you caught up…

1. All that stuff about being sick in the last post? Well, I was sick, but then anxiety kicked in and perpetuated the sickness, until I finally decided to take one less group to UIL contest. From that point on, the school year was basically an exhausting, chaotic but manageable blur. Year 4 was not my year. Also, Andras and I finished all 10 seasons of Friends in 5 months. Haha!
2. Over the summer, I did yoga. Lots of yoga! And thank goodness. After a couple of classes, I realized I had kind of forgotten how to breathe. I know that doesn’t really make sense, but let me explain. Taking deep, expansive breaths, actually felt uncomfortable. Something that used to give me a lot of peace, felt foreign and forced. However, after only a week or so of regular practice in the studio and at home, I began to trust my breath again. The whole summer became about retraining my body to breathe, my mind to trust my breath, and my thoughts to center on self-love.
3. I very seriously contemplated not going back to work as a teacher. I almost broke my contract. The other leads I had gotten didn’t go anywhere, so here I am, tackling year 5!
4. The school year got off to an AMAZING start. There are still really rough days, and the early mornings and insanely long hours are definitely the toughest part, but in general I’m enjoying my work this year. 🙂
5. Andras and I bought a house! Yay – no more roommates! It’s the perfect size, in a great neighborhood, and ah! We just love it.
6. Anxiety still sneaks up on me at times when it is least welcome, but it is a LOT less scary than before. After my most recent panic attack, I turned to Andras and said, “I just need to treat everyday like it’s the morning after a really horrible panic attack.” And that is so true. ROUTINES, long deep breathing, meditation, stretching, eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising. This is the lifestyle I need to maintain if I want to sustain myself and make room for joy.
7. I need friends. Three of my closest friends have moved away in the last year, my best friend has lived in LA since we graduated from college, and all of my other friends live in Europe. Loving myself as I am and trusting myself in social interactions, so that I can connect with people is definitely a goal of mine for 2016.
8. Family. I love my family, but I get caught up in their imperfections, their inability to take care of themselves.. I wish I could just let them be without feeling responsible for fixing things and helping them. It’s really hard when I can see they’re emotionally drained. The holidays will be difficult.
9. My dog now has an instagram.  https://www.instagram.com/sir_bartley/
10. I still don’t put myself to bed early enough, AND I’ve been eating absolutely terribly. I’m sure I’ve gained back all of the weight I lost while on the Whole30 – so it may just be time for another one.

That was the quick run down. I hope to be less of a stranger next year. More coming soon!

Understatement

So it might have been an understatement when I said that my digestive system was really mad at me for going off Paleo. I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what’s going on here. This is 4+ days of nausea etc. and reverted back to Paleo as soon as it started. I feel just awful, and am having to take over work. So not good.

Here are three things that are ok about being sick:

1. Friends is now on Netflix
2. It snowed briefly a minute ago and I was awake for it. (Yes, in Texas!)
3. My dog is taking very good care of me and keeping me company. Andras is too, but I don’t want him to get sick.

Back to resting because sleep isn’t happening.

Moving Abroad

Andras and I have been talking more seriously about not spending the rest of our lives in the great state of Texas. The truth is, while Texas is great and yes, my family is here, if you’ve been following closely, you know this isn’t really my home. It’s taken me a while to understand, but I do recognize that I could find fulfillment anywhere if I was true to my awesome self. I don’t have to live in a some magical place in order to find that. I know it’s all up to me.

But being away from my home town, getting some space between me and my family, would certainly help. I’ve already distanced myself from certain friends that I struggle being myself around.

But why leave the country? I love and feel very comfortable in most of the European countries I’ve visited. I also click more easily with the Europeans I’ve met than I do with Americans. A LOT more easily. But honestly, this one comes down to Andras. He’s just not happy here. He’s not the same, confident energized guy here. He’s depressed here and it’s affected all aspects of his life and many aspects of our life together.

So, we’ve done more than just talk about it. We’ve set goals for what we each want to accomplish, listed what we need to accomplish/do together before we can make the big move. Right now we’re thinking Rotterdam, The Netherlands where Andras did a student exchange. A place with some of the best architecture in the world, mild, rainy weather year-round, tolerant people, and bike lanes galore. 🙂 I should probably visit first though. Don’t worry! That’s on list too. It’s looking like a 5-year plan right now. We also have a couple USA cities to visit too, just to keep our options open.

So, what made me share all of this? I’m waiting for Andras to finish up a meeting, and I found a coffee shop next door. (Actually a espresso / gelato specialty place – man I wish my digestive system wasn’t so angry!) Being in this new place, all by myself, a few people speaking a different language, is taking me back to that feeling of being in a new place. A place where no one knows me, and I can just be.

I know I can always just be, but since it’s a constant struggle for me, I appreciate the chance for it to be easier than usual.

I’m looking forward to this future with Andras, and I’m also happy to be reminded of what it’s like to travel somewhere alone. It is so quiet, so liberating. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. And I’m grateful for that.

Let’s Be Honest…

I’m going to hold off on those Liebster Award questions for a while. I don’t know, somehow I’m overwhelmed by them. But I’m still excited about it, and so glad that I’ve reached almost 100 followers. That’s insane! Thank you all for reading!

So here’s what’s going on: Overwhelmed. For some reason, I’ve decided to take three groups to this huge competition. I’ve only taken one in the past, but now I have two extra non-varsity groups that are in pretty good shape. But I’ve never had the experience before where I don’t trust the group, and I don’t trust these groups. Not even my top group. They’re performing well below level right now. Blah blah blah.

What’s really going on, is that I’m way too focused on the outcome of this competition. My mind and energy are separated from reality, stuck in my expectations of how I want the competition to go. So it’s hard for me to go through the day-to-day steps necessary to get my students where they need to be, because I’m thinking more about where they need to be then where they are. We have to make the music along the way. It’s hard for me to let go of expectations, but I’ve learned from past experiences that it will ruin things, especially my ability to get things done, if I don’t.

The other part of this feeling overwhelmed stuff, is that no less than two months after thinking very seriously about leaving my job, I’ve taken on three UIL groups, and requested that one of my after school groups go on the choice sheets as an actual class, AND I asked for permission to teach a yoga class for next year. WTF?!

Now before you start to ponder my sanity, let me explain. Due to a number of errors in communication, I was given only a handful of days to “edit the choice sheet for next year” and these days happened to fall during one of the busiest weeks of the whole year. In order to make sure that my hypothetical future year at my middle school be a good one, I needed to make sure the choice sheet set me up for a good year. Did it feel weird? Yes. Was it difficult? Yes. Do I feel like if I leave now I’ll be screwing everyone over? (I mean who will teach yoga? Yikes) Yes. But I think I did what I had to do.

So now what? Remind myself to have expectations, but leave it at the finish line, not at the front of my mind. And remind myself that my success or lack of success at work or in life does not determine my happiness. I also want to do my 10 minutes of daily dedicated stressing, which is a wonderful technique for letting anxiety into my life on my terms. It’s not going away people, so I might as well show it who’s boss.

In other news, I fell off my version of the paleo diet. My digestive system is so not happy with me! At least I’m highly motivated to get back on the wagon.

One breath at a time. One step at a time. I’m just a human and it’s not my job to be perfect.

Liebster Award! & Out of the Loop

I can’t believe I’ve been so out of the loop! It’s been over a month since I’ve posted and that is just insane. I am honorded to mention that Little Misadventures nominated me for The Liebster Award! Thank you so much! The Liebster Award is a blogger to blogger award. These are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who nominates you.
2. Answer the questions given by the person who nominates you.
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers.
4. Create 11 new questions for the nominees to answer.
5. Let the nominees know they’ve been nominated!

Unfortunately, I don’t have enough time tonight to answer the questions Little Misadventures asked or nominate 11 other bloggers, but I should be able to get to that this weekend. I’m excited!

So, since we talked last, I’ve made several major improvements in regards to life stuff and work stuff.

In general, I am definitely being more intentional! I have great focus when it comes to day to day tasks, rather than just flying by the seat of my pants, letting the chaos get the best of me, leaving me to feel unmotivated and overwhelmed. So whoo! Also, in general, I’m sticking to a mostly paleo diet. I’m also doing GREAT sticking to my budget and paying off debts. That feels incredible. I highly recommend The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. In less than three months, Andras and I have: established our $1000 emergency fund, and paid off our two lowest debts. It feels so good!

Here is something huge I learned about myself this month. Two weeks ago, I felt pretty depressed. I didn’t want to wake up, felt completely unmotivated at home and at work, daydreamed about sleeping, and was irritable. I finally sat down to make some difficult (work-related decisions) even though the process gave me such anxiety. Thankfully I had some good friends by my side to help me think through the pros and cons of all the options. When I work up the next morning, it was like a switch had been flipped. Suddenly, I had energy again, I felt competent again.

Looking forward, when I’m feeling like that, I’ll know to ask myself – what decisions am I possibly avoiding?

Overall, my routines are serving me well. I still really need to work on getting to bed by 10:00. My therapist advised that if I made it a pleasurable experience, i.e. eating some dark chocolate and drinking a glass of wine while watching an episode of something wonderful with my husband, I might find it a little easier. It’s true, but it’s always so tempting to watch yet another episode…

Things I’m still working on:
Sticking to my 90% paleo diet
Not letting my success or lack of success at work or in life determine my happiness – catching the “Yay I’m awesome because _______” and “I can’t believe I fucked ____ up again” thoughts midstream, and letting them go.
Being intentional about my daily routines, actions, and thoughts.

Thanks for listening! I look forward to answering The Liebster Award questions next time.